Have you ever had a 'why me, this isn't fair' kind of day? More than likely everyone has at one point or another in their lives. I had about a week of it a little over a month ago at the beginning of June. What was originally the happiest time for myself and my husband, Derek, ended up being one of the hardest things to face. We've been married for almost 5 years now. We don't have any kids, by choice, and have had a wonderful life together. We're very happy. We decided many months ago that we wanted to add to that happiness and at the end of May were thrilled when the pregnancy test was positive. We invited our families over along with a really good friend and her husband to share the good news over a great meal. Everyone was so thrilled. The next day the grandparents, siblings, and best friends were called.
Then it happened...on Thursday, June 3, I started bleeding just a tiny bit. I tried not to be worried about it, but was. Then I started cramping, feeling nauseated, and had a raging headache. I lay down for a few hours and felt better only to discover the bleeding was heavier. I decided to see how it went that night and call my doctor in the morning. I had cramps for 12 hours straight that finally started going away at 5 the next morning. I got up at 8 and went to the bathroom to see if my luck had changed only to have so much thick clotted blood that I knew in that instant I was having a miscarriage. I just sat there saying "oh no! No, no, no!" over and over again. I called my doctor, who happens to be 90 miles away, and they told me to come in as soon as I could. She did an ultrasound on me, which revealed nothing inside me. She said that concerned her, but it could also be signs of just an early pregnancy. She had me go to the hospital and get my blood drawn. She explained that my blood levels would be high, and if pregnant, would double in numbers within 48 hours, so we needed to come back on Sunday as well.
I had never had my blood drawn in my life, didn't know my blood type, and well now, I'm an expert haha. Luckily, I had some very good nurses take my blood. It didn't hurt much at all and I didn't bruise once (and in the span of two weeks I had it drawn four times). Later on that weekend my doctor let me know that my first test came back with my blood/HcG levels being at 820. On Sunday the call came that they were only at 250. I was indeed having a miscarriage. I am very thankful to have the doctor I do though. She actually cared. The doctors in my town are too busy to really care, they have too many patients to see. She took the time to make sure I was okay and to tell me that just because this happened (and happened 50% of the time to early pregnancies) it didn't mean I had done anything wrong or that I couldn't have healthy babies in the future.
It was a very rough few days and I think I cried more that weekend than in my whole life. I kept asking 'Why me?' There are so many people out there that either don't deserve kids or don't want them and seem to be pregnant with healthy babies every time you turn around. However, we know that God is in control and will give us a healthy pregnancy in the future, hopefully sooner than later.
After getting two follow-up blood tests, my hormone levels have gone back to zero where they should be. I didn't have to have a D&C or anything, which I'm so thankful for.
We had so many friends and family members there to support and love us through this time. I can't even express how much that helped us cope with the loss. So hopefully, this blog will be 'seen by the public' soon with happier news.
These days are hard on friends and family too, though of course not nearly as hard. What can we say...sorry just isn't worthy. We can be a shoulder, an ear, just a body to be there. Do we try to make things seem normal so you don't dwell on the sadness? Do we offer reassuring platitudes or medical wisdom? Maybe just giving space to allow the healing process to take it's course?
ReplyDeleteSo what can we do? Anything you want us to! We are here for you to help in any way we can. To laugh or cry or beat a pillow to death or back off and send prayers.
When the good news comes again we will toast together with a cold strawberry smoothy and lots of hugs.
Thanks! I can't even begin to say how much people have helped. Space helped, trying to say the right thing has helped. The only thing that hasn't helped are those who say "It just wasn't meant to be" because to me, that's just not what you tell somebody.
ReplyDeleteYes, we will toast again to happiness in the near future I hope.